First off, I would like to thank all of you for your comforting words and support these last few days. After all of the kind words, I feel I need to offer more of an explanation as to what happened. Yes, unfortunately I did suffer a miscarriage last weekend. I was about 8 1/2 weeks along and we were just getting ready to tell the happy news in the next couple of weeks. We had intended to try and keep what happened a private matter but I ended up losing quite a bit of blood, had two trips to the ER, a D&C and spent Sunday night in the hospital. It was quite an ordeal. This baby caught us by surprise but we were definitely excited! Physically I am doing a lot better but emotionally I am a complete wreck. I know it has only been a few days but I am having a hard time moving on. You just never know what a day will bring. I know it has been hard on Shawn too, but he has remained strong for my sake and together I know we will get through this. The older boys have been troopers and have really stepped up by helping with the little ones. I can't stop wondering why? We already have 5 children. Why send us another baby now only to have it taken away? What if this would have happened when I was pregnant with one of the other children and then we wouldn't have one of them either? I am afraid I will spend the rest of my life wondering what if? What would he/she have been like? Or he/she would have been this age or that age by now. I am scared about a lot of things that I wasn't scared of before. I told you my emotions are running rampant! I know a lot of people probably think that I wasn't very far along, it wasn't a baby yet, etc, etc. move on, get over it. But to us, it was a baby. It was already a huge part of our lives and we already loved him/her with all our hearts. And now it's gone. If you are wondering why I am sharing all of these intimate details of our life with you, I have found it is helping me a great deal by getting my feelings out there and not keeping them bottled up inside. We have found comfort and support from many different people and places and it warms my heart to know that you are all out there rooting for us. You are all helping pull us through this difficult time. And for that I thank you. For any of you that may be reading this and have been through a simliar situation, my heart goes out to you. You have my sympathy and I'm sorry this happened to you too. I would like to end this post with a poem a friend sent me on Facebook. I found it very moving and it will be an inspiration to me every time I read it. Something good will come out of this, I just know it. I just have to figure out what it is.
What Makes a Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother
And I know I heard him say.
A mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God can you be a Mother
When your baby’s not with you?
Yes, you can He replied
With confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
But there’s no need to stay.
I just don’t understand this God
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say...
“We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lesson very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don’t be sad today
I’m your baby and I’m here.”
So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are ok.
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they’ll stay.
They’ll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson there is through.
And on the day that you come home
They’ll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother
It’s the feeling in your heart.
It’s the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.
Though some on Earth may not realize
Until their time is done.
They’ll be up here with me one day
and know you’re the best one.